Are you in the depths of pre payday poverty? Regretting each and every unnecessary extravagance in the last few weeks? Promising yourself that if you make it through this month you’ll change your ways – no more taxi journeys the length of your driveway or decadent drinks on a Tuesday evening?
We feel your pain.
Here’s some top tips on surviving the last few days until you’re liquid again.
Recall old debts
What’s a fiver between friends? A sandwich, a coffee and a bus fare to name but a few. There’s no time like the present to remind old acquaintances how they’re indebted to you. Know no shame. Drop them a faux casual text or Facebook message. Failing that stop by their parents’ house to find out their new home address and workplace and drive by both consistently until you run into them. Then, remind them in a friendly but firm fashion that you paid for their taxi seven years ago. If you’re feeling particularly ballsy add inflation interest. You’re worth it.
Got a bicycle, handbag, tv or kidney you’re not using? All you need to do is take some well lit, nicely angled photos (or x-rays) and pop them online for potential customers. A carefully crafted post about how the goods are of merchantable quality you just no longer have a use for them is recommended.
All the coins. Leave no pocket, bag, cushion or drawer unpilfered. Once you’ve located as many coins as humanly possible you’ll need to perfect a few key phrases in order to use them effectively. A mildly surprised “Actually I might have that in change” or “May as well get rid of some of these coins” work well. For added impact, accompany these phrases with a smile that says ‘I definitely have money in my account but I’ve decided to unburden myself of these coins instead of using that money’. It’s convenient, not necessary.
Even better, just develop a thick skin and a stony expression so that when you pay for your weekly groceries in 5, 10 and 20 cent coins (produced from an old coffee tin), the embarrassment slides off you like a crisp note off the palm of a more affluent person.
Be bold with investments
Down to your last few pennies? Pool them and buy yourself a scratch card or lotto ticket. Trust in the universe to reward you for being woefully irresponsible by gifting you a significant windfall. Somebody has to win, right?
Find your inner performer
Ever walked past a street performer and thought: ‘That person is entirely devoid of any talent and is in no way deserving of my money’? You could be that person. If passers by are willing to throw their change at someone in a bad Spiderman costume then surely they’d do the same for you. What’s another underwhelming Ed Sheeran cover?
Bring back bartering
Think about what you can offer in place of money to procure goods or services. Look to the ideals of Robert Owen and beyond the theory that cash is the only means of legitimate purchase. Alternatively, see if your parents will ignore your failures and shame and give you a loan.